Suddenly You Were Gone

I know what you are thinking, "Another post about Rush? How much left is there to write at this point?" I respect that take, because it gets to be overbearing even for me. Today, however, marks the 4 year anniversary of Neil Peart's passing. Neil was the lyricist and drummer for my favorite band, Rush. He was an intelligent, realistic, inquisitive, poetic, and caring man that shared his gifts with the world to enjoy. Never one for the spotlight that his status garnered, Neil kept to himself and remained a mysterious figure that millions of people thought they knew intimately. Funny how that works; an individual who retreats and sprints off stage night after night is one of our closest and most personal friends, even if only true in our minds and hearts. The stories that Neil crafted, the lessons that he imparted, and the emotions that he evoked are the reason why so many Rush fans are a special kind of devoted and peculiar. And also extremely nerdy and dorky.

I have written it all before, but I would not be the person I am today without their music. Yes, it seems extreme, but I know it to be true. My formative pre-teen and teenage years were spent in my basement, alone, listening intently on every bass line, guitar riff, and drum fill the three maestros put to tape. This level of familiarity inherently became part of who I am. I would read the liner notes over and over until I lost myself in the mystical worlds that they created. The journeys they took me on lifted me from the reality around me for 40 minutes, which was a much appreciated distraction.

When Neil passed away on January 7, 2020 at the age of 67, nobody but his closest friends and family members knew of his sickness. For the better part of three and a half years Neil had secretly been fighting Glioblastoma, which is an aggressive type of cancer that begins in the brain and spreads rapidly. The expected life span, once diagnosed, is only 14 months. It is remarkable, though not surprising, that Neil endured so much pain and trauma without the public's awareness. Never one to actually live in the limelight, I know he was overcome with peace and love at the time of his passing. The world found out on January 10th, and it shook me to my core. I was visiting my best friend Jake in Austin, Texas. It is funny to think that now, four years later, we are now roommates in Austin, and in significantly different places in life. I recently found this rough note that I wrote on the day that I heard the news, and I decided that I wanted to share it. I don't often write pieces that get left unshared, so it's a unique look at an early attempt to write that hasn't been edited in four years. It is raw, without a point, and juvenile, but it exemplifies the growth that I have seen and experienced since 2020.

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"The Garden"

I never thought this day would come. For years I had thought about what I would do. How I would feel, how I’d find out, who it would be. Today, I faced some of the hardest news I’ve ever had to hear. Neil Peart, my hero and the legendary drummer of Rush, my favorite band, has passed away from the sickening disease of brain cancer... what happens now?

The day was January 8th, 2020 and I was on my flight to Austin. I was getting bored with movies, various music, and my book. I turned to my trusty Rush playlist. It contains every one of their studio albums. The songs sounded the same, but if only I had known.

Fast forward to January 10th. I was with my best friend Jake, was browsing Instagram, and came across a post by a drummer talking about Neil. I was a little confused at first, but immediately my stomach dropped, heart got heavy, and tears filled my eyes. I went to the internet in hopes it was false, but alas, Neil Peart had passed. I didn’t know how to feel, how to act; I was stunned and hesitant to believe it. I think a little part of me still holds onto the idea it’s another one of those fake deaths, despite it actually being real.

It is disturbing to me knowing I sat on that plane, enjoyed the sonic bliss of Rush, without knowing the Professor had passed just the day before. I know it’s what he would have wanted. A true recluse, Neil lived out of the light of stardom and fame. I often wondered how he was doing. Nobody knew about his disease. We’ve all entertained the idea that Rush “May, at some point, under the right circumstances...” come back. If only we had known what was going on. What they were going through. It’s almost better that we didn’t, though. If I had to live years knowing my hero had brain cancer, It would have only prolonged the pain.

Rush shaped my childhood. I grew up listening to them, and their anthems rang consistently in my head. Subdivisions perfectly described my middle school and much of my high school years, and this is an experience a vast majority of Rush fans will share. The Pass got me through tough times in my life when I felt like there was nobody there. The Garden is a beautiful arrangement that has always been one of my favorite tunes of theirs. Even the diamonds (albums) in the rough have songs on them that far surpass other bands lyrically, musically, and in feeling. I listen to Rush all the time, and I do not know where I would be without them. I’ve seen them 3 times, all with my dad, and it’s been such an honor sharing those experiences with him. As for the future, I will continue praising Neil’s craftsmanship, musicianship, and professionalism. I hold great value in my Rush record collection, t-shirt collection, CD collection, poster collection, and DVD collection. Rush is THAT band for me. They did it all and more. It will be odd to listen to Rush, knowing Neil is no longer with us. His legacy lives on.

“Any escape might help to smooth the unattractive truth. But the suburbs hold no charms to soothe the restless dreams of youth.”