Into the Great Wide Open

To experience an Austin summer is to understand pain, misery, and eternal dampness. Craving a change in scenery, I retreated back to the forests of New Mexico that hold a special place in my mind. Last year I embarked on a two week road trip that routed me through Carson National Forest in New Mexico. The trip was healing and relaxing, so I planned another, albeit briefer, adventure to the Santa Fe National Forest. One thing that did not change, however, was my CD case, which still contained all of the discs from last summer's trip (see previous blog post for specifics). I packed up and took off on the lonely highway in search of something great.

Since this trip was shorter I found that I was much more diligent and intentional about my time and how I spent it. As a result, I created a robust itinerary that included all necessary information, such as where I'd be camping, how long I would be there, and who to contact should anything happen to me while I was in the Pecos Wilderness. I provided a copy to my parents and girlfriend for safe measure. Trip planning was a skill that I learned while in college; during my last semester I took an entire class dedicated to trip planning, trip preparedness, and outdoor recreation safety. Creating the itinerary provided me with a fun challenge that acted like a puzzle without a defined image. Once the trip was planned, all I had to do was execute... which I was admittedly a little nervous about.

I hadn't been backpacking in three years, and the route that I had chosen wasn't necessarily a beginner's hike. I struggle with feelings of anxiety and nervousness, and I often find that they get bad in times of uncertainty. Would my tent break? Am I physically capable of this hike? What if I get stranded halfway to my destination with no way to contact anyone for help? These were just a few of the many thoughts that cluttered my mind, and it was frustrating. As soon as I got on the road, however, my mind cleared up with the help of music and excitement. I was finally able to look towards the uncertainty and embrace it - whatever happens will happen. There is no point in trying to control something beyond my capabilities, but this is a very difficult thing to accept. Tom Petty eased my mind as I listened to his final solo album, Highway Companion, which, as the title might suggest, was made for the road. After trucking on and focusing on the good I finally made it to my destination, which was about 15 miles outside of Santa Fe, NM.

I spent the night getting all of my gear packed and ready, and then I tucked in for a restless night in the backseat of my car. I awoke early, and was on the Winsor Trail 254 towards Lake Katherine by 7am. My pack weighed around 33 pounds, which was a bit overkill for a single overnight trip, but I err on the side of caution in situations that could easily become a matter of life or death.

After a very beautiful and steep 7.5 mile hike that was full of lush pines, aspens, and vibrant wildflowers, I made it to Lake Katherine at 10:30am. This was ahead of my plan, so I spent some time reading, eating an early lunch, and just absorbing what the lake had to offer. Alpine lakes are among my favorite places in this world. The silence, purity, and reflection of the cliffs on the crystal clear water soothes even the most troubled mind. Which is interesting, as Lake Katherine was the first place that my feelings of loneliness and sadness began to become evident. Here I was, at this incredibly beautiful lake, and I had nobody to share it with. The silence became a little too silent. The reflections in the water shifted from the mountains to me. Not wanting these feelings to linger, I began my hike back to where I would camp for the night, which was 3 miles back in the direction that I had come. This time was nice to reset and regain my focus. Once I got to camp I set up my tent, read, did a few crosswords, and embraced the feelings of loneliness and solitude. Here is my journal entry from camp:

Not often do we get the chance to sit and hear nothing, but absolutely everything at the same time. The interstate doesn’t block out the wind rustling through the pines, the bulldozers don’t suffocate the songbirds and their song, and the stillness of life lets you hear the natural movement of the natural world of your surroundings: the bustling creek, the creaking trees, and the flapping of wings. This feeling is something that music could never touch. Not saying that one is better than the other, as they are completely unique and distinct. I cherish this feeling and these moments. When everything else in life feels sped up, it is nice to take a moment and hit pause.

Following a much needed restorative sleep, I began the hike back to my car and the trailhead. On my way back I decided to take a “detour” to a lake that I wanted to see. This included an additional 2 miles and 1,100 feet of elevation again. The hike proved to be very difficult, as the steep and rugged trail was not as well defined as I thought it would be. I lost the trail a handful of times, but eventually got back on track and made it to the breathtaking lake.The singing of the birds and the roaring of the creek, as well as the rising sun on the steep rock faces, provided a nice setting while I sat and had a quick breakfast. I thanked myself for sticking to the plan even when it was tough to march on. On my descent down I noticed a weakness in my left knee, which was not expected. The intense and demanding trip was taking a toll on my body, and I hoped that I would make it down without it becoming an issue. As soon as I hit level ground I hightailed it for the trailhead, which promised me the luxury of a hot coffee. A mile before reaching the trailhead I exited the Pecos Wilderness. It is here that I signed in/out and provided the details of my trip, just in case something were to have gone wrong. Search and rescue teams use this as a method of keeping track of who has entered and exited. I proudly noted my return next to my name, and hiked back with a smile on my face. I had done it.

This moment was a high for me, as it helped prove to myself that I was capable of such a trip. I planned it, I stayed calm in the presence of uncertainty, and I safely returned. As I checked back in with my parents and girlfriend notifying them of my safe arrival, I brewed the aforementioned much anticipated cup of coffee. I spent the rest of the day walking around Santa Fe, and ended up camping at a free campground two miles from the trailhead that I had started from.

At this moment in my trip I had been fighting off sadness and loneliness. Although I was enjoying my time away, I didn’t feel like myself. I was proud that my hike had gone to plan, and that I was doing something that challenged my anxiety, but the negatives began to take hold and choke out the positives. The next part of my trip was to a nearby town of Cowles, NM with the intent to fish. After buying my license and packing up I began the drive, which was about two hours away. As I drove the narrow and windy roads up to Cowles the sky darkened and the weather became gloomy. This sparked already intensifying feelings of negativity, and as soon as I made it to the pond, it started to rain. Knowing that I had come all this way to fish, I threw on my rain jacket and braved the elements for an hour. Although I had fun fishing, I did not get any bites, and I could tell that my mind was not in it. I returned to my car and attempted to hold myself back from breaking down. I gathered myself as I drove back down the mountain, and it was here that I made the decision to drive all the way back home instead of staying an extra night. I plugged the destination into my maps and took off.

Although I look back on the trip with fondness, and in no way do I regret going, it is a good lesson to learn that not everything will go as we expect it. I left Texas with the thought that I would bask in solitude and time to myself, but this did not turn out to be so. Which is okay. The memories that I made, and the sites that I saw, are more than enough to outweigh the negatives in my mind. We can only control how we respond to situations and feelings, even when these emotions show up at the most inopportune times. Get out there and enjoy the lonely highway - I am thankful that I did.